if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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