dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
