it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
