We won't sleep together?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize