I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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