Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My feet surprised me
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