Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
