I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
