Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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