you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
