well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
