Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
