States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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