My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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