splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
