my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
