Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
