for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
