She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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