some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
