If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
