i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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