If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
