Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
