it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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