I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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