I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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