O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
