That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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