Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
