she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
