Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Randomize
