if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
