Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
