i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
