Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
