i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
