Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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