My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
