I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
