it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
