thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
