Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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