you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
