i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize