Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
