I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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