I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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