I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
