you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
