its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
