I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
