Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
