I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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