I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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